Another Candle on the Cake...

Another Candle on the Cake...
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Life

When I was a little girl, my birthday was the one day where I had license to wear a glittery crown, request my favorite dishes, and relish with glee as I was allowed to open gifts; still one of my most favorite activities. My wish was always some grand and lofty scheme that usually involved all of my dreams coming true.

Now as I'm adding another candle to my cake, I've sometimes felt that I have to psyche myself up about the passing of time. It's not that I am afraid of aging or getting older, because as an eternal optimist I've always looked forward to embracing what lay ahead. Instead, my sentimental self wishes that I could just sit awhile with my comfortable old memories, if even for a moment longer.

As I get ready to cast aside my driver's license due to expiration, I can't help but wonder if perhaps there are little parts of my life that are expiring as well. I'm realizing that transitioning into my mid twenties brings with it a new guidelines that include putting myself on a financial plan, realizing that my excercise program must match my calorie intake, and the elusive question of when I will finally "settle down". I still don't know when I became old enough to have friends who are married with children when I can still remember my own childhood years with such vivid details.

My dad always jokes about how hard it is for me to let go of things, which is a testament to my boxes of keepsake items, scrapbooks, and copious journals that I tend to reread along with yearbook entries. I still can easily recall each outfit that I wore on the first day of school each year, and even restate test questions that I had in 7th grade. It's almost as if everything that I experience plays like a continuous movie reel inside my head, which is why I suspect it is hard to move onto to the next tape when the old ones are so familiar.

I suppose that is a large reason why it feels so surreal to be standing on the brink of my adult life with my third graduation robe hanging in the closet and my dream job awaiting my arrival. As I glance back, I see how all the smaller steps connected together to prepare me for this moment, but my adult face is not the only one I see in the mirror. I also see the oblivious three year old lifting up her dress at church, the seven year-old clad in a peach sweatsuit losing her first tooth, the awkward 7th grader with headgear and a ridiculous haircut, the sparkling eyes of the tan girl at her sweet 16 party, and even the newly red-highlighted teacher in Thailand sitting in the park, journaling about how time had flown by, and fretting about all the things she had yet to learn.

Yet, with all these different faces of my past staring back at me, perhaps the childhood version of me wearing the princess crown surrounded by favorite foods and gifts got it right after all. For what is a birthday but the celebration of all those faces that we grew into, and the acknowledgment that comes with understanding that we aren't the same individual that we were a year ago? So perhaps this year, I'll wear a proverbial crown, eat my favorite foods and open my gifts not thinking about all I have left to learn and accomplish, but rather celebrating the path that led me this far. Because on some levels, I know I'll always be childish enough to wish on that candle for grand and lofty schemes where all my dreams will come true.

And in many ways, perhaps they already have.