Another Candle on the Cake...

Another Candle on the Cake...
Current mood: nostalgic
Category: Life

When I was a little girl, my birthday was the one day where I had license to wear a glittery crown, request my favorite dishes, and relish with glee as I was allowed to open gifts; still one of my most favorite activities. My wish was always some grand and lofty scheme that usually involved all of my dreams coming true.

Now as I'm adding another candle to my cake, I've sometimes felt that I have to psyche myself up about the passing of time. It's not that I am afraid of aging or getting older, because as an eternal optimist I've always looked forward to embracing what lay ahead. Instead, my sentimental self wishes that I could just sit awhile with my comfortable old memories, if even for a moment longer.

As I get ready to cast aside my driver's license due to expiration, I can't help but wonder if perhaps there are little parts of my life that are expiring as well. I'm realizing that transitioning into my mid twenties brings with it a new guidelines that include putting myself on a financial plan, realizing that my excercise program must match my calorie intake, and the elusive question of when I will finally "settle down". I still don't know when I became old enough to have friends who are married with children when I can still remember my own childhood years with such vivid details.

My dad always jokes about how hard it is for me to let go of things, which is a testament to my boxes of keepsake items, scrapbooks, and copious journals that I tend to reread along with yearbook entries. I still can easily recall each outfit that I wore on the first day of school each year, and even restate test questions that I had in 7th grade. It's almost as if everything that I experience plays like a continuous movie reel inside my head, which is why I suspect it is hard to move onto to the next tape when the old ones are so familiar.

I suppose that is a large reason why it feels so surreal to be standing on the brink of my adult life with my third graduation robe hanging in the closet and my dream job awaiting my arrival. As I glance back, I see how all the smaller steps connected together to prepare me for this moment, but my adult face is not the only one I see in the mirror. I also see the oblivious three year old lifting up her dress at church, the seven year-old clad in a peach sweatsuit losing her first tooth, the awkward 7th grader with headgear and a ridiculous haircut, the sparkling eyes of the tan girl at her sweet 16 party, and even the newly red-highlighted teacher in Thailand sitting in the park, journaling about how time had flown by, and fretting about all the things she had yet to learn.

Yet, with all these different faces of my past staring back at me, perhaps the childhood version of me wearing the princess crown surrounded by favorite foods and gifts got it right after all. For what is a birthday but the celebration of all those faces that we grew into, and the acknowledgment that comes with understanding that we aren't the same individual that we were a year ago? So perhaps this year, I'll wear a proverbial crown, eat my favorite foods and open my gifts not thinking about all I have left to learn and accomplish, but rather celebrating the path that led me this far. Because on some levels, I know I'll always be childish enough to wish on that candle for grand and lofty schemes where all my dreams will come true.

And in many ways, perhaps they already have.

Comfortable

I had a rare experience this past weekend. For two days, I got to spend time with the two people who I count as my best friends. As we sat upon a beach in silence, raised our lungs to a dorky radio song, or just giggled together while watching TV, the best feeling in the world washed over us: comfort.

I've had the luck to make many friendships over the course of my life, but with these friends, everything is different. At first glance, we would not be even placed within the same circles.

Exhibit "S" loves Brittany Spears, the color pink, and has her arylic nails desinged according to the latest trend. We all secretly hate her ability to eat all the junk food that she can obtain and still keep a slim figure without a thought of exerise. When we go shopping, I have to walk S L O W or else I get the evil eye and a sarcastic comment. She makes no apologies for her bubbly signature that often is adorned with hearts next to it, or the fact that she would watch "Friends" over the news anyday. She has the biggest heart I've come across, and when she talks about the preschool children that she teaches, she makes even the worst nightmare of a child angelic through optimistic attitude. We have the kind of friendship that doesn't even require talking, but we do it for fun anyway. For hours at a time without ever slowing down or even noticing that anything around us is occuring.

Exhibit "J" is the quiet one of the three of us, but she has the ability to suddenly make witty comments that shock us all. At first glance she appears uncomplicated and even simple, but her fresh-faced look is also contrasted with her sparkly jewlery that she wears on occasion. Just when you think you have her figured out, she will say or do something utterly surprising, and leaving you realizing that there is always more to her than what appears on the surface. She is the unshakable one of the group, and is not afraid to stand up for the things that she believes in, even if it means having the courage to state what others will not. She is tall, and is someone who will always be on the other line to hear you vent about your day or just to share a stupid comment with. Her laugh is infectious, and makes you feel that life isn't as serious as you think. She'll let you talk about the things that do not particularly interest her, and is the encourager of the group. She accepts every part of you, but always reflects the best version of yourself.

Over the years, I've made many great friends, but these two girls are the ones who I know I'll grow old with. Perhaps it is because we've changed and grown together, and they understand all the things that I never bring myself to say outloud. They are the only ones who know when it is appropriate to challenge me, and when I need a tub of ice cream, a sappy movie, and no words of advice; only sympathy. We can experience exciting adventures and travels, or be content sitting with our drinks, watching the world walk by as we comment. We chose different college, carry diverse politcal views, and have never liked the same guy.

But what we have mastered is comfort. We know that no matter where we live or how our lives turn out, the friendship we have built will only continue to grow stronger, because we chose to commit to it through all of the bumps and messes. It might not be understandable or even perfect, but it is ours. And when we are reunited, there is no place that I'd rather be, because through everything, there is happiness.

Bubbles of Restlessness

The time of here has come when all I want to do is grow wings and fly far, far away.

Throughout my childhood, I had always assumed that "spring fever" meant that my eyes would become red and watery, and I would have marathon sneezing attacks with excessive allergies brought on by the pollen of new life.

While I still have those annoying allergies, I did find out the real meaning of spring fever.

My senior year in high school I found myself with a bad case, and as a result I completely stopped doing work my last quarter of school, knowing that I had already been accepted to college, and no one would even bother to look at my transcripts. Consequently, my dad did look at those grades, and was not happy at all. However, when he found this out during the middle of summer, my graduation robe had already been turned in, and the checks from relatives had already been put safely in my bank account.

Now, as I face that same fate, and am greatly tempted to just slack off, and I can't help but wonder why I just don't seem to have the urge to finish strong. I could blame it on the spring sun that is luring me to lie down beneath it, or all those final memories that I want to make before I rush off to the adult world, but sadly, I suspect that beneath all that, there is more.

I only find it slightly ironic that all the major things that I have quit in my life have occurred in spring...my sophomore year I quite the softball team, my freshmen year in college I quit the gospel choir, and my first senior year in college I decided to quit everything and move to Thailand for the year. Now, as the start of May kicks off, I don't find it strange that I spent an entire afternoon looking at cheap flights out of LAX to anywhere but here.

The thought of not having to deal with my honors project, marching at graduation or turning in my final portfolios is actually more tempting than it I know it ought to be. I suppose I know that I am not the only one who has caught this bad case of senioritis, and I know even more so that it seems to always come on when I feel that I am nearing the completion of something. I have no doubt that my body is telling me that it is time to close this chapter, and move on to the next thing. Perhaps I am just a little early on the memo.

At any rate, even though every fiber in my body is telling me to jump on a jet plane or slink off early to the life that I know awaits me, I at least have the sense to nag at myself, because I know that either way, my dad will see the final grades. And of course, like with everything, I know that most of this isn't about me. A good chunk of what I do is outside of myself, and I need to make him proud. Especially for the times when I just can't see across the finish line that he is standing at the end of, cheering me on.